top of page
Writer's pictureKakolukia
Aug 2956 min read

Uncovering the Untold Story: The Re-Advertisement of FLOW's Paintings

Updated: Oct 1







0.

~Introduction~


Welcome to the re-advertising of the purchasing catalogue of "FLOW: Finding one's self"; the uncovering of its backstory.


It is my desire, through such an attempt, to bring renewed focus to FLOW's four-year journey and its paintings, aiming not only to attempt another go at selling the remaining pieces, but in doing so, to provide additional insights about the time period that they were made in. Instead of reposting the catalogue by itself, which would offer no real new information to individuals who experienced it last year, I set out to implement a layer of informational knowledge. In this layer, we will delve into the backstory of each artwork, reflecting life's events that served as inspiration for each painting. Expanded by exploring in detail about my emotional state of mind, along with the personal experiences that inspired the art, and lastly, reflecting on how the live audience on Twitch impacted my mental state throughout the months of creation. Shedding light on the ebbs and flows of attention in the realm of artistic creation.

Due to the varying chronological work order of the paintings compared to the narratives, I will address each painting in the sequence in which they were created to elaborate on a consistent trajectory of my mental state. Suffice it to say, each painting's descriptive paragraph will include a reference to its original chronological sequence both in the story and in creation.


Let us set sail once more on the voyage through the emerald-hued, ever-changing waves of FLOW, carrying memories of both my own and those who shared them with me.




 

~ PART I ~


 

1. ~ENVOI~


~ENVOI~ the sixth painting in the story Date of Creation~ September 2019 - March 2020

Size: 150 x 170 cm

Chronological order of painting, number 3

Before delving into ENVOI's backstory, it's necessary to state that prior to this artwork, from October 2018 to September 2019, two earlier paintings existed in the story of FLOW. At present, those two paintings have been entirely cut off from the story, be it due to their study nature and intent, along with their frivolously made story. Regardless, they birthed the story of the waves (the ocean being society, and the waves being the individuals who form it). In such practice, it allowed for my initial confusion to fade. Prior to FLOW's journey, I had a period of a few years not engaging with any form of painting, a period of strictly chasing commissions for survival - I hadn't tackled a personal piece for sometime, let alone a whole theme that was personalized to me. All the while, these two paintings were my official start of my streaming endeavors, I needed them for my thoughts to gather, forming cracks in the immediate toxicity that I was surrounded in and in return, forming the backbone to which my confidence was to be build on. In a slow fashion, I proceeded onwards with the tremendous help of my first five viewers, (specifically five as they were the recurring ones) who metaphorical took the form of a lighthouse, beaming its light in highlighting the exit doors to which I was desperate to take. At the time, I was quite inconsistent in my art, spending no more than three hours per session, streaming sporadically a few days of the week. I was, in fact, prioritizing the wrong things that took the majority of my time. Whiles online, I was plagued by unruly thoughts, mind constantly elsewhere; to the near tasks, social obligations, relationship dramas, and family demands. All seemingly looming, hovering aimlessly over me, swallowing any form of attention that I could form. A quite hazy few years, that my mind mostly faded due to trauma, recollection can only be obtain and pointed at those five viewers, my shimmering lights that sparked brightly into that abyssal swirl that I was slowly being devoured in. In their diligence and consistency, I found the reprieve that I yearned for, planting the seeds from which my self-worth would blossom. They saw in me what I alone, in all the years that I lived, couldn't. "Is it time to end?!… Do a few more hours!" .Varied phrases such as that, would flock live chat in response to my "Alright guys..." (my signature starting phrase which marked the ending), impressing upon me their interest. Much to my surprise, my company and art, were reason to be praised, rewarding me with renewed alacrity that sparked a genuine smile on my face. Although unable to understand it then, from their words and interest did they instill in me the importance of my own self amidst the chaos I was in. Evidently, when the creation of ENVOI came, it quite perfectly reflected my situation, which I was quite unaware of at the time. Only a couple of years later would it make sense to me, the visual that I created, surrendering to those swirling waves, in wish to be swept onto new shores. Thus, at the beginning of October 2019, I commenced my journey in the creation of ENVOI. Starting in my grandfather's back room, accompanied with a long rectangular window where one could observe this man's love for gardening and his passion of fig trees. Generously housing and taking care of my needs for the first year of FLOW, but as soon as I painted the first series of waves on the bottom part of ENVOI, I had to move. I was quite indifferent to the idea, although reluctant at first due to the deliriousness from the manipulative grip that held me, I left. Evidently, such a grasp couldn't hold me too firmly for now with the newfound company of those five individuals, I felt supported. I was extremely fortunate to inherit my grandmother's old house located up in the mountains, quite isolated from society. (For that house became my studio till this day, that gave birth to the most wonderful memories that I have experienced). In my preparation for relocating, it was my desire to include those five people who stood by me throughout this time. While playfully packing my paints and belongings into their cardboard boxes during my live stream, I paused to make a promise. In this move, and my disconnection from my familiar surroundings, I was to take this seriously, prioritizing this theme to its end and this stream as one ought to. Although I may never fully understand how the people who supported me so diligently felt when their efforts in me took shape at that moment, I knew how it made me feel. I experienced a surge of determination for the first time.



January 2020 was my first month in my new studio. The transition to the mountains was quite straightforward, and before I knew it, I started chipping away at that promise. Days passed, and new ones followed, yet I consistently painted those emerald blue hues that consumed and spread like blazing fire across the whole canvas. Saturated pigments of blue would emphasize those swirling waves that retracted from one another, as per their intentions to submerge and overtake the figure. With the newly acquired schedule and determination brought by my new friends, I was able to be seen by more people and slowly begin the growth of our community. This allowed connections to be made with other streamers and slowly intertwine and integrate myself on the platform.

Thus, in March, marked the finalization of Envoi, a beautifully painted artwork that sparked and bestowed to me the beginning of my confidence and my expressiveness. Around the same time, I noticed that I was eating through my savings at an alarming rate, I wasn't properly prepared for such a move in that short of a time. I needed funding and at that point I was getting paid next to nothing from Twitch, in such dilemma I sought a painting commission, to buy me the freedom to gain a few months till I am able to be supported by Twitch. An intermission was made while streaming the next 20 days that took me in finishing the commission, live on Twitch. Affording me the freedom and funds, to proceed with FLOW's journey.





 

2. ~VANITY'S BALLADE (NO.3)~


~VANITY'S BALLADE (NO.3)~ the second painting in the story Date of Creation~ April- July 2020 Size: 185 x 160 cm

Chronological order of painting, number 4 Vanity's Ballade was a painting that instigated a profound and enduring transformation within me. It was the fourth piece I created on this artistic journey, yet it holds the second position in the narrative. A strong sense of inadequacy greeted me at the outset; a new attempt, anew to me and my skillset, a technique I perceived as "painting the blanks". Like many of my initial creations in this narrative, they drew inspiration from the Ukiyo-e era and my then-favorite artist, James Jean, that slowly evolved into reflecting my personality as the paintings progressed.  To explain this technique further, you would paint in separate sections, applying a solid color to each section. Once the section is fully painted, you then paint over it to blend colours; mastering a balance between saturated shades and water diluted textural shades. This approach involves releasing the instinct for perfectionism that often hovers during the painting process. It involves trusting the process and letting go of the deep complexity that colors may temporarily present, observing how the shades blend harmoniously as various colored layers are introduced. It highlights the importance of recognizing the overall vision which I usually fail to do. Despite my previous understanding of art and all the diligent lessons on mastering a set path for it, I found myself confronted with change and an individual who had grown tired of adhering to someone else rules, it was paramount for me to explore my own, or at least attempt to by learning from the ones I valued so highly.



According to the narrative, the depiction of the lion formed pride, and as did the figure got entangled by it so did I; not by just the artistic progress but equally on how steadily I gotten more recognition by the platform I was on. Accustomed to having fewer spectators, in my previous artworks, it was all quite new to me. People watched, listened, maintaining my spirits high that kept me diligent, in check. Words of encouragement countered the appalling distractions of the outside world that followed me and belittled me like festering wounds. Wounds that ensured feelings of inadequacy to be present in me; I had nothing substantial to show in their eyes, amounting for the years I've lived. A university drop out, reluctant to a "real job", a child chasing a dream hiding from the world and its necessities. For once, I felt my demeaner to be welcomed, I wasn't shut off before I could speak nor judged as naïve due to age. Self-love began surfacing unexpectedly, people captivated by what I was saying, doing, and overall the version that started blossoming from those tainted thoughts. Before I knew it, in the duration of this painting, I gradually gathered a recurrent number of people, some of whom have since become friends that I can still rely on today. With such backbone, I proceeded in this linear, yet, quite bizarrely beautiful journey that I have ever taken in my life back then. Significantly so, their words sprang perspectives for me, blind spots that I couldn't possibly comprehend in my loneliness, "how did I never see!?". I would argue to myself at nights in the duration of this painting. It soon became clear. A healthy environment that didn't mock my words, didn't label me without getting to know me, or forcefully grounding me by their fears. It allowed for my longing to sore high, higher that I ever was able to reach. I grew indifferent about my immediate environment, newly parted from it, taking shelter in my studio which luckily I was able to isolate from all that noise. Webbed a cocoon of creativity-attaching on its webs comfort and shelter from those praying eyes.   Towards the end of this painting a newly met viewer, now a lifelong friend, pointed out how a piece from a classical composer Frédéric Chopin reminded him greatly of this compositional scene. A piece named Ballade No. 3 in A-flat Major, Op. 47 . He proceeded to perform it for me, while's explaining the connections between my piece and his piece; an intriguing story unraveled. Behind each music line, a dialogue, eloquently carried by the melody, a longing, a yearning that lead to an intoxicating seduction. Notes transformed to objects, that sequentially formed elements that swung the most subtle yet profound pendulum of moods. All performing an audio visual composition; there, audible, awaiting to be picked up on by one's ear, if given the means to decipher its message. I was in awe, my greatest passion in life, storytelling, reflected and described to me in a musical composition, a genre that I never gave time nor attention. Now, with his newfound perspective enhanced by his passion and individuality, it was translate to me; expressed in ways that I could not but hang to each and every word that he described this tale in. All whiles performing miraculously that piece. I knew at that moment something profound changed within me. No longer just a painter seeking comfort in those pigmented hues, but an individual, that understood storytelling differently now, not subjected and limited by medium but the limit to one's feelings that directed its expression. Every since that piece Ballade No. 3 in A-flat Major, Op. 47, the painting inherited it forever, forever to be paired together, to co-exist. Poetically, in my mind I thought it was fitting, given both our arts, in that moment of sheer vulnerability created an attraction that bonded them together, much like our friendship ever since.







 

3. ~PRELUDE~



~PRELUDE ~ the beginning of Flow's journey - Date of Creation~ August - October 2020

Size: 185 x 160 cm

Chronological order of painting, number 5


This painting sprung from a fascinating stage in my life. Although in the story it came in the beginning, I painted this fifth. I knew prior to its creation that this painting would mark the beginning of my story; quite bizarrely so, as I never knew any of the earlier paintings' place in the story, let alone how they would serve in the grand scheme of things. At that time in my life, I was going through a breakup, a breakup from an unhealthy relationship that most unfortunate young adolescents have to face; in my case, it took three years of my life. Inequivalently and quite bluntly put, not fit for one another, the breakup took place just before the commencement of this painting. Inspiring quite the stir and influence into its composition, to which I shall recall in quite vivid detail. In finalizing the breakup, I was to drive to my partner's place to give her belongings that remained uncollected in various places in the house. An hour-and-a-half later drive accompanied by Ennio Morricone's compositions, my mind now delicately embraced by his serenading sounds, I arrived. Once more, faced at her front doorstep, like many times prior; overcome by a feeling of emptiness accompanied by a sense of relief, I walked in. Everything looked quite different, not by its quantity or sheer misplacement, but simply by the acknowledgment of their textural patterned colors and intriguing designs and shapes. Perplexed as to why such a discovery now, I was promptly interrupted by her greeting, followed by a beckoning gesture towards the living room. Proceeding towards the living room, my eyes caught sight of the walls: a peach-orange hue, painted quite harshly, faintly revealing the yellow underpainting that once was hastily touched upon, creating a blend of all these three colors. Dumbfounded as I was by this seemingly new discovery, despite my many times being here; it seemed my train of thought that I entered with, followed me in here as well. Disassociation kicked in quite instantly as I sat down on the long sofa that miraculously dominated most of the space, shrinking the room's size quite exponentially by its bulk. To my surprise once again, the colour of the sofa was a greyish-blue tint, with the grey shade almost making the blue appear greenish, unveiled by the patterns that covered it. "How have I never seen this before?" I questioned internally before the murmur of her first words halted my train of thought, grounding me there. Per what her words entail, I quite frankly erased or blurred out upfront, but one quite remains that can be recalled, a phrase that aroused great vexation in me. "....you have to ground yourself, you always have your head up in the clouds and it was my job to pull you down to spare you the pain of flying too high..." confused to why the forcefulness on this longing of hers and my inclination of seemingly "flying" despite walking, I quietly nodded in agreement to avoid an argument. After a lengthy conversation about each other's shortcomings, we parted ways quite unanimously and amicably. As I stood up relieved by this parting and my newfound perplexities from these seemingly new discoveries, I proceeded towards my car conveniently parked just outside the door for a quick getaway. My first realization came as I opened the car door; how much I had failed to see. My absent use of my own eyes left me in a disagreeable state with myself, which quickly led me to ponder what else I had missed by not using this sense.

A genuine feeling of renewed beginnings washed over me. Empty inside, but not hollow, reintroduced the possibility of growth, molting my clayed stone skin to a semblance of that of a person that I wanted to become. The task at hand; the FLOW's journey and its many secrets that held for me at the time. Thus, at the end of that day, sheltered in the comfort and safety of my friend's house, I took my sketchbook and mapped out these enamored feelings that intoxicatingly filled my mind with the promise of a new beginning.

The painting commenced sometime mid August of 2020. With glee and excitement in my eyes I proceeded in streaming its progress; running on an incline trajectory of my streaming endeavor, with newly met friends that joined and old that patiently awaited to witness the official opening painting to this story. A story that had a year under its belt without an obvious beginning. Just fragmented pieces awaiting to be puzzled, fitted once accumulated. The bond of friendship and safeness quite felt apparent then, alive; a comradery interwind our diverse feelings though this painting and the isolation that were felt due to Covid's restrictions. Yielding such newfound diversity that I never had the privilege prior. Conversations sparking like wildfire, highlighting anything imaginable that one converses in a day, with the added freedom of anonymity in promoting candidness. To thing that all began with the excuse of those waves and concluded with them, became indescribable. With a now established confidence from my previews paintings, I ventured forth feeling secured, loved, that warranted a peculiarly unstoppable demeaner to be inherited, diligently proceeding in a sequential manner that followed through PRELUDE's journey. Beginning with mapping out and arranging the sketch to its larger counterpart, a landscape orientated canvas. Tinted by a yellowish hue that brought me back to that fading coloured wall of my ex's living room; that soon would have been painted over by the same orange peach hues. What I saw in her living room, I memorized and immortalized as my colour schemes in Prelude. Evidently enough the same colour scheme held a semblance to the hues of an awaking dawn that spreads far and wide, marking a day anew. With every brushstroke recorded in those waves, long heartfelt conversations would spark by the community. Promoting and inspiring the community in creating linework designs of this composition and encouraging their creative take on its colour scheme. Slowly and steadily would it proceed, emphasizing the freedom and openness spared by the shame and negativity exposed prior in my life. "My beginning, both as a person and as a story creator..." I would remind myself constantly - even to the inevitability of the re-introduction of my newly malleable self into society's ocean once more. Elaborating on the wave's greyish hues that had an inclination of highlights of by blues and greens did I concluded this painting in October of the same year. Marking my biggest painting at the time; imprinted on it, both my meaning and of the people who encouraged me and left a part of themselves in those waves as much as I.





 

4. ~ SOLIPSISM ~


~SOLIPSISM~ the fourth painting in the story Date of Creation~ October- December 2020 Size: 150 x 170 cm Chronological order of painting, number 6 SOLIPSISM. During that phase in my life, I consider it to be the most tranquil and steady period that I would encounter in the years ahead till the completion of FLOW. The following painting created after PRELUDE and VANITY'S BALLAD, accumulating the knowledge and their many discoveries with an abundance of encouragement by the people watching. I was in high spirits, extremely pleasant with myself. In the downtime week that followed its compositional creation, constantly was I reminded by the community on the anticipation of its unveil. Ecstatic, inquiring with me, conversing on the possibilities and how missed I was in the absent of my daily streams - a mixture of feelings and attention that I never felt before, I was cared for. After completing each painting, I would take a week off to relax and reconnect with society by leaving the mountainous location of my studio. It was a habit for me to visit my grandfather every time I finished a painting. When I returned to the country, he offered me a place to stay and assistance until I could support myself, forming a special connection that left me feeling immensely thankful and respectful. Being in his surroundings brought me back down to earth. It didn't take long for me to realize that no matter how much my mental state declined, when I was around him it felt that he silenced its effect, like a metaphorical pause would be pressed, making me present at the moment with him. To this day, I am not quite sure how that works, perhaps it was the sense of safety that disabled them on me, or his silent demeaner of showing care, I am sure I'll keep asking this long before I have a solid answer. Upon my return to his house after the conclusion of PRELUDE, I could once again commence my social life, physically meeting my friends and talking in detail about the hours that I spend painting online along with the fascinating people that took as much as an interest in me as I to them. An occasional, "what's next!?", would break my train of thought allowing me to observe their demeaner in which they were asking, with what I can only describe as having a childish glee shine in their eyes. It made me reflect that seemingly over the span of few months, everything has changed for me. All that work that I've been placing both on my art and myself in getting rid of the toxicity in my life, finally bare the fruits of such labor.   Evidently it was at a time when I started getting payments from Twitch, allowing me to support myself fully from solely that platform; autonomy formed by following one's heart, has to probably be a blessing that I wish anyone gets to experience in life. The money wasn't nearly enough to make most satisficed, but it was enough for me; I'm a person who never cared for much, never cared for having more than what one really needs, and to think that my necessities were being met felt like a joy that I didn't take for granted. All this joy, this passion of mine, acknowledged at once in my life made me so determined, I've never been so determined in my life to tackle anything. In the following days of that week in my search for inspiration, I found my long forgotten favorite movie, conveniently available for streaming, "Eyes Wide Shut" - a Stanley Kubrick movie. It reminded me the blessing and curse of naivety, the measure and extend to what one is willing to do in order to find the truth. In such pursue it creates irreversible damage and pain, for to willingly accept obliviousness it allows you to overlook reality, thus having a chance to enjoy your carefully curated fabrications that you constructed about your life. Fascinated to find this movie and Kubrick's cinematography, in this sitting of a re-watch yielded a new find, a composer called Jocelyn Pook, the musician which composed scenes of that movie. With my newfound perspective in music bestowed upon me by my friend, I wanted to delve deeper; an album of hers stood out to me "Flood" . I was enamored by her sounds; the use of familiar chants and religious melodies, Hindu and Mediterranean instruments layering each other, accompanied by serenating beckoning female vocalist, was baffling. Morphing beauty into fragments of mystery that contradicted familiarity to sheer eerie unsettledness, to which all these became the backbone that SOLIPSISM was to be build on.

Accompanied by such inspirations and the excitement of my community for the reveal, the addition to this chapter of FLOW that we would soon embark on, gave birth to the composition of SOLIPSISM. Beautifully melancholic; the reflection of elation, excitement and pure dissociation of our immediate environment, ultimately blinding ourselves from the horrors that are conspiring against us. Averting our gaze and mind from the wrath that we are oblivious to, ready to strike us down when we least expect it. 


Thus, October of the same year I commenced my sixth entry in FLOW's journey, once more using techniques that I've never used before. Equally sharing the excitement of that of the community I pressed on; colouring with an intriguing greenish-black shade, that white linework was the sole defining element that made it all bond together. Fluidity and motion slowly defining the waves, taking shape and structure. Meanwhile, conversations were at their all time high; people around the platform started to know me and my unique streaming style - the sheer openness that I allowed for anyone to express emotions became a safe space to which attracted like minded people, yearning to simply be understood, and in part learn both me and my artwork along with the story that was forming behind them.  Time passed quickly, strides of progress were done effortlessly; what would usually have taken more time now took less and that felt alarming to me. "Am I rushing..? Am I taking enough time...? But look, it looks unrushed, it looks properly considered...", my internal monologue would deliberate as I sat down painting those waves. Concluding, it must be the diligence and the time spend in panting the past year that allowed me to gain such confidence and precision. Along with my new found perspective in music and it seeping into my art, it was incredibly surreal to me, applying my emotions in both pigments and in narration, enhanced by ambient and classical tracks alike, that acted like the glue that made everything fuse together. When November came, which happens to be my birth month, the most extraordinary thing happened on the day of my birthday. Vividly do I recall waking up on the day, acting and perceiving the day as any other, I've never been incline of "celebrations" especially on such a day, so I took the day as any other. A few hours have passed as I was streaming, lost somewhere in the many details of the waves, slowly forming them and occasionally taking a look at the live chat conversing with the people that were there. When noon came around, I recall this specific viewer's request, he promptly send a link followed with the instruction to open it; bizarrely enough this have never occurred before from this specific individual - given a passer by might send links on a whim, but that was quickly fixed by a moderator in the fear of that link being malicious. Although on this occasion it originated from a trusted individual, admittedly curiosity gotten the best of me in clicking it. To my surprise, I saw a landscape orientated digital card, colourfully spread out paragraphs, dispersed amongst drawings and lines, at the center, with big letters that were traced by body gestures stating "Happy birthday". It was a digital birthday card of the accumulation of the community who took the time to write in brief paragraphs how much I mean to them, thanking me and expressing in their own way their well wishes of another year alive. It is no surprise to anyone, that when one is faced with such kindness, you simply don't know how to react, in front of me now lay a massive affirmation of what I meant to people; people's care and inclination towards myself now reinforced by the time spend together, and in return, from their time, they made sure that on this day, I would feel the joy and love they felt from me. To this day, I have never experienced a feeling quite like that. It lingers within me, revealing the beauty in people and affirming that the decisions and sacrifices I have made so far have led to the only reward I truly value: a shared appreciation for care. This was a familiar tradition on my birthday each year, with both new and old acquaintances leaving their mark on it. It deeply resonated within me, all this joy stemming from a single decision to embark on this journey. Another month passed before this painting was finished, much to my surprise. It turned out to be the fastest painting ever created in FLOW. Despite potentially portraying bitterness, the enormity of the figure and her inner world gives it a bittersweet quality as intended. In our thoughts, we may feel a euphoric enthusiasm for the world we create and evoke in our heads, but the actual circumstances often differ, and this is not surprising. And just as I was about to complete that painting, I unexpectedly entered into a new romantic relationship with someone from the community, and the excitement of falling in love again brought an end to that artistic endeavor and with it my balance in separating personal life and work.





 

6. ~ VEIL'S FALL ~





~VEIL'S FALL~ the sixth painting in the story Date of Creation~ January- May 2021 Size: 300 x 170 cm Chronological order of painting, number 7 At the start of this painting, a sense of joy permeated the air, showcasing its magnificent abundance and ambition. With the addition of my new romantic partner, I felt truly seen, cherished, and captivated by her presence. Enthralled by her every word, whether recounting the most painful or joyous moments of her life, I found myself completely and unconditionally enamored by the idea of her. The serendipitous meeting that brought us together left me feeling incredibly baffled on how life unpredictable life really is. In accordance with my usual routine, I embarked on another week of reflection and preparation for the upcoming phase after SOLIPSISM. I was aware that in the narrative, the gathering waves trailing behind the character would ultimately break upon her. This impact would serve to unveil her blindfold, revealing to her what had previously eluded her sight. Marking the start of my explorative inspirational research, in completing this story fragment. Driven by my deep admiration for my partner, I envisioned her presence within this painting, seeking to encapsulate her beauty as my eyes perceived it with meticulous detail. With her gracious approval, I cast her as the main character, portraying her in a chilling yet authentic scene of inevitable transformation. Poetically, her delicate presence glimmers amidst the sea of countless flesh-like waves; poised to engulf and envelop her entirely. As a result, the drawing of Veil's Fall was brought to life. To capture this moment, I chose to create a diptych painting, which would be the largest painting I had ever undertaken at that point.

Starting the longest journey at that moment, filled with contradictions and hinting at an unavoidable conclusion. I became fixated on the anatomy of the figure, altering its expression rapidly, which was a new behavior for me. I remember feeling frustrated by my inability to capture the face accurately; focusing on minuscule details that yielded nothing. After a long night of tirelessly erasing, drawing, and repeating the process for what felt like hours, I decided to call it a night. Upon waking up, I received a distressing message from my partner about a crisis unfolding in her life, and I found myself at the center of it. Troubled by her situation, I made the decision, without any external influence, to shoulder the burden that she couldn't bear alone. Throughout this period, I dedicated my mornings to attending to the needs of my community and my nights to supporting my partner. As time went on, I found myself overextending even further, starting my work day at 7 am until 6 pm, and staying up until early hours in the morning for emotional support. I was slowly over exceeding my capabilities but I never consciously took notice of that. All this time, I kept everything to myself without letting anyone, not even my closest friends, know about my worries, pain, or exhaustion. I was under the impression that I could handle it all on my own, feeling the need to push through no matter what. Each day, during my live streams, I tried to maintain a sense of normalcy that had seemed to vanish during my time away. It was my own doing that I carried the burden of unexpressed emotions, causing me to begin my emotionally distant state. Finding solace in the red hues of those waves, I slowly began to feel taunted by the harsh reality I was facing. The reality of what I was painting was my situations conclusion. I had unknowingly set myself on a path towards an inevitable decline, despite my efforts to persevere.   Days went by where I felt completely drained and isolated, fearful of speaking up or stepping back from commitments I had willingly taken on. I had never established my boundaries and lacked the understanding of their importance at that time. Much of my life I've struggled with a savior complex, and now it was at its all time high. Believing that I had the power to "fix" everything through unconditional love, care, and dedication. I thought that by doing so, I could overcome the challenges affecting my loved one. Even if it meant sacrificing myself, my health, and my time, I didn't prioritize my own well-being; I simply wanted to contribute in any way possible, willing to do whatever was necessary to improve the situation. However, despite my efforts, some things proved to be unfixable. As each month passed, I felt myself sinking deeper into a hole of my own making, gradually approaching emotional burnout. Carefully igniting its embers that continued to burn throughout FLOW's narrative. To this day, I recall with great clarity the powerful feelings I went through over those five months, an unforgettable episode shaped and exemplified by my ineffective communication. It's ironic how my message of promoting open communication and honesty was contradicted by my own shortcomings.







 

7. ~THE PLUNGE INTO NARCISSISM ~





~THE PLUNGE INTO NARCISSISM~ the third painting in the story Date of Creation~ May- August 2021 Size: 185 x 160 cm Chronological order of painting, number 8 Once more, I experienced a surge of pride overtaking my life. It has been two years since FLOW's journey began, and I have maintained a consistent online presence through streaming. In terms of artistic growth, I sensed a continuous progression. The techniques I acquired during the initial stages of FLOW were now being executed effortlessly. This enabled me to aptly convey a wide range of emotions as dictated by the narrative. Being my eighth painting, I was aware of the specific elements that needed to be included to complete the progression of the story. This particular piece was set to precede Veil's Fall and follow Vanity's Ballade. I grasped the required tone and semblance for connecting with Vanity's Ballade, so I aligned my style accordingly, making adjustments only as necessary and no further. My routine has remained largely unchanged since the first year, with the only difference being an increase in the number of hours spent online and the prevalent imbalance of personal and work life. I now dedicate up to 35 hours per week to live streaming and still wished for more. My life at that point has reached a silent limit that I didn't dare question, although I sensed it, I couldn't confront it; allowing it to consume me and with it, my love for both myself and of anything I held dear near me. During my usual break from completing yet another painting in FLOW, I felt a growing sense of numbness, a feeling that became all too familiar to my attention. With it came a sense of selfishness, crawling its way into me, its presence unannounced and its secrecy kept. I felt comforted by a voice in me that I hadn't heard before; or rather a voice that slumbered inside of me, awaiting of such opportune moment. This voice took shape in the composition, depicted as this silent beckoning that made everything so tempting to accept; reaching out, awaiting an embrace, your trust. Thus, The Plunge into Narcissism was born. Out of the desire to be rid of such crippling burden and weight, I embraced whole this beckoning.

My mental state was approaching an all time low, unbeknownst to me of the reason at the time; particularly after the conclusion of Veil's fall, attributed to both its newfound understanding that mirrored my reality so accurately that I could no longer avoid it, and the exhaustion from creating the largest painting I've done at the time. I was burdened by emotional baggage that I couldn't unload. I struggled to stay afloat, but unfortunately, I was not succeeding. Similar to the previous painting's implication, it was unavoidable that the waves would engulf me, consume me and sink.

Thus, within this artwork I've left my final words before all that water sipped into my mouth, leaving me gasping, choking. Despite my intention to assist, I found myself in need of help, yet words failed to provide solace. As the monotony warned me down, obvious cracks began to appear in both personal and streaming life; I was slipping up, slowly losing my grip on both ends and with it myself. Starting off with fading of the vocal, lively, and expressive traits, it promptly transitioned to a sense of detachment and aloofness, showing a reluctance to proceed further. I longed for a resolution to the inner conflict I was experiencing, but to no avail. Finding it hard to ignore the alluring voice, I persisted. Each attempt made me more restless, causing me to lose the kindness and tolerance I once had towards myself and my dear ones. I started to create clear separations between myself and others. My words and actions were not in harmony, causing emotions to gradually become hardened and trapped by a solidifying substance that the voice looming over me was spewing, droplet by droplet, until I was sedated enough. For months, I fought tirelessly, all the while those around me remained oblivious. Engulfed by thoughts and tethers that gradually enveloped me, petrifying me firmly to the path ahead, it was taking shape, signaling the inevitable outcome that I was powerless to prevent.

As a result, near the panting's conclusion I witness my senses being silenced by narcissistic behaviors, changing the once elegant and fluent figure to something grotesque; marred by holes, distorted in shape, through which it absorbed the initial dose of its toxic contempt. Yielding me loneliness, despite my community that surrounded me daily in most of my awake hours. I contemplated giving up, countless times towards the end of this painting - I wanted to stop, I was exhausted, emotionally burned out both by journey and stream. Countless attempts in searching for reasons to stay, not to throw all this work that I have done, or breaking my promise. But somehow even though this weight that I forcefully chose to carry, found some form of reprieve into selected individuals on stream. Once more, did I find comfort online, in those few that with their presence in chat gave me some sense of hope. Miraculously restraining thoughts of quitting, I failed to restrain my thoughts of isolation, resulting in pushing away and puncturing my partners heart, leaving them bleeding while I slowly allowed whatever was left of me to fade away. Dropping all manner of excess weight that I accumulated in the process, for a chance to heal. After such an experience, something died in me and something new took its place. (taking me three more years to fully comprehend what had commenced during those months, that warranted such reaction). As I changed, so did the story, on the horizon was the second and final chapter of FLOW, opened with PRELUDE N0.2.








 

8. ~PRELUDE NO.2~


~PRELUDE NO.2~ the eight painting in the story Date of Creation~ August - October 2021 Size: 175 x 150 cm Chronological order of painting, number 9

Faced with a new beginning once more, the emptiness that accompanied me once in PRELUDE transformed quite significantly different this time around. I had no desire to act upon it nor question it; no newfound direction to guide or inspire me came, no revelation that signified growth, nothing, I was simply and inequivalently numb. What previously gave me drive and reason to pursue, simply laid dormant, unable to be awaken from its slumber. I felt completely and utterly lost, alone making my way in a vast sea of endless nothingness, where the eye could see nothing for miles besides burned stacked up ash, that slowly shifted, effortlessly creating an endless loop of moving dunes. I was simply existing, unable to pin point any emotional fluctuation inside of me. A detachment has occurred between my emotions and I, forcefully ripped apart, neglected of their pleadings for help, I allowed it to happen

My usual break commenced after the finalization of The Plunge into Narcissism, extended by an extra week; I was floating around, going through the motions, simply trying to acclimate to what planet I was on. Through the passing of time, naturally my mind began contemplating on this new painting. At the time, I knew the waves would retract away, reveling to us what they were obscuring below those mudded waters; the bottom of the sea. In one of my sleepless nights of that week, I became quite restless, a flame seemed to have sparked quite unexpectedly within me, a burning sensation that rose like the birth of a blazing phoenix that in rise, a full blown panic attack came. In such state of heightened anxiety, stress, and hyperventilation, I made a hasty decision; I wanted to escape and run, run faster than I ever did in my life, I didn't know where, or in what speed such destination will be met, I just had to leave. I have never ran like that in my life, obstacles became sheer suggestions and the pain that suppose to be felt when one would run into them, felt like nothing. I made way towards the car, stumbling and tumbling onto my every step, I reached it. As I sat down on that long black, swayed car seat, with a shakenly effort, I tried to place the key in the ignition. My mind ensnared me, demanding all manner of answers, questioning every single thing that I've done so far, in such a speed that I couldn't comprehend none of it. With every question my breath became sharper and sharper, convulsing my chest, producing a wheezing obnoxious sounds that unmistakably brought me back to my childhood. (I was born with breathing problems, allergies would produce fluid into my lungs that mimicked chocking, producing a wheezing sound with every breath, in its worst episode, my body would react by heaving out bile, so I could breathe again). A slow black vignette began enveloping my vision, settling at nothing until it consumed all but a dome in the middle; sounds bleeped into a high-pitch, low-ringing piercing sound. As my vision dimmed, a rush of memories began pouring through my mind like a slideshow, blending and morphing into each other - life, relationships, pain, love, her, streaming, waves and friends. All perfectly visible in their passing, retaining their details and complexity, despite the speed in which they were transitioning. The sound of the engine igniting miraculously snapped me out of it, tears streaming down my face uncontrollably. My vision now blurred by tears, I sank back into my car seat, feeling a sliver, a sliver of something. Thus did the composition of PRELUDE NO.2 took shape; in that manic episode, in a warm night in August in my car, I felt my way into its existence. Onto the seabed, bereft of air and nothing but our brittle, desiccated skin to show the abuse we endured.



As this painting commenced on stream, things were quite different, partly due to my slow recovery on account of what had just occurred in my life, but also the lingering feeling of something being off in the community since the last painting. Things began slowing down unexpectedly; people would miss days or become quite distant with me. Naturally, at the time, I shrugged it off, understanding that life might have temporarily prevented them from enjoying each other's company. But soon I learned that my personal life bled into my work life so heavily that the line between them was no more. After my breakup, which I hadn't opened up about to my community, and which most didn't know about, including the fact that I had been in a relationship, let alone the end of it, became known. Somehow, they were informed about it. It would take months until I found out by asking how their perception of me had changed, through words and statements that I had never been questioned on. Before knowing that information, I was fighting feelings of inadequacy, pondering what had changed, unable to understand that such is the nature of the entertainment industry.


My personal life that I tried so terribly to guard had now spread online and was able to be meticulously broken down by seemingly anyone, without me ever knowing or giving consent to it. But I kept painting; newcomers would join who knew nothing of me and my past, and that helped me move forward, all the while trying to suppress my thoughts. What pained me the most by the end of this painting was that I genuinely gave both my time and interest to my community, allowing myself to receive and accept their vulnerability. They weren't just numbers to me; I knew everyone by name, what they liked, what they hated, what bothered them, and what fights they had to put up with to keep moving forward in life. I spent years with them digitally online, being my only company in my isolated life; I was attached. I cherished our connection, the idea that I had to let that go, this false perception that I made myself feel by considering them as friends, destroyed me. Thus, marked the beginning of my end in being an online 'entertainer'.









 

9. ~VEER~





Date of Creation~ October - December 2021 Size: 150 x 170 cm Chronological order of painting, number 9 October came and things began unveiling themselves. My rose-tinted glasses now lay shattered and fragmented by reality; it was finally time to take them off. Things began taking their original form, riddled with unchanged shades and hues. For the first time, I saw the reality I had purposely rejected. I slowly began to understand people's intentions against me and started contemplating my response towards it. I significantly retracted myself from excessive social interactions, becoming ever so despondent in the idea of others, allowing my own compass to guide me rather than the affirmations of seemingly strangers. During the week that I was on break, I began contemplating this and ultimately the story of a new beginning altered by one's many unwanted mistakes, as in Prelude No. 2. At that time, narratively speaking, I knew that this painting was the conclusion of another, one that was still in the works.

The painting that was to come before that gave the insights for this reality to be depicted in this part of the story was THE MIND. For in our long slumber, we would reconsider what just occurred by the consumptions of those waves. Our mind would unveil all those metaphors we made, into simply their reality. A confusing and daunting moment that will lead afterwards for us, attempting to piece together what was confusingly meshed together in our mind's eye. Thus, VEER was to show the reality to which was pondered over, to put practice into play. Utterly fixated as I was in showcasing of this renewed focus for truth, I slowly began searching it everywhere. All aspects of my life began taking the re-evaluation that was due to uncover its truth. I recall vividly how determined I felt in doing so, passion was brewing amongst this unrest and slowly did I began forming its composition.




As the painting work stages unfolded, multiple techniques that I've learned in the past 3 years were explored and combined here, reflecting the knowledge acquired from my previous paintings in each of its stages. This process created a fitting reality for both the meaning of the painting and that of my current life's events. I slowly became indifferent to the Twitch chat and the numerical gain that had plagued me at the beginning of this journey. I realized that I had two more paintings to complete before I left this lifestyle, and my priority lay in applying the newfound perspectives I had learned to my life. I wasn't deprived of genuine conversations, mind you. While being online, I could slowly discern who was genuine and who was simply repeating themselves, trying to fill the void of loneliness. I began to understand people's patterns, identifying those who sought company or genuine conversations and those for whom the fear of being alone drove them to seek an online presence. Equally, I observed how their anonymity helped them express their deepest and darkest secrets.


At the time, I was simply observing, in all its passive sense. I would treat everyone the same, with the only addition of marking a mental note next to their name to understand their intentions. To some, I was a person they wanted to pass time with, an entertainer, or a need for positive reinforcement in getting their hit of "passive action" without attempting to fix anything that was broken. I felt peculiar acknowledging reality around me. I don't think anyone can prepare you when you take a peek behind a curtain. You only know once you take a look, and what can be found behind is a varied box of uncharted mysteries. It was a fascinating time to begin dabbling into reality as I did back then, while still retaining my cheerfulness and demeanor that people enjoyed and found comfort in. However, with each aspect of my life being uncovered in reality, it slowly became prevalent that my body and mind were deteriorating due to prolonged exposure to such a harsh routine and the long hours spent on this particular journey that started back in 2018.


Towards the end of the painting, I had to take a minor break, both due to my encumbrance of the project and additionally in experiencing a form of storytelling that excited me greatly then. On December 3rd, 2021, the early access launch of FINAL FANTASY XIV:ENDWALKER took place. One of my favorite games at the time was releasing their new expansion. This expansion was to bring the conclusion of a 10-year-old story arc that was meticulously built in creating this grand finale. I felt it resonated with me as I was quite close to finishing my story at the time, having two paintings left. Thus, at noon on the 3rd of December, conveniently a Friday, I began the journey of the grand finale of this game's tale. The next few days were nothing if not methodical in their function; I would wake up at 5 am and conclude my day at 12 am. I did nothing more other than what human necessities require of one's body to function, in hopes of concluding and absorbing the meaning of this story's ending. It took me four days and a dozen hours later to come to its end, with renewed focus on the concept of pain and suffering. The concept of life bestowing unbearable sorrow in uncovering its meaning and the unavoidable nature of humans in seeking distraction and death created a memory that I would never forget to this day. In my understanding, and what I could extrapolate from this story, was that divinity, this meaning of life, can only be found in the face of another, for in the cracks of the pain and misery that life may inflict on one's heart, others will walk in and find shelter there. To me, that spoke volumes, and it stayed within me as I went back and sat to conclude the painting, replaying those newly formed memories of the ending of that story and how it can be applied in mine.









 

10. ~THE LONG WALK OF THE CREATOR~





~THE LONG WALK OF THE CREATOR~ the tenth painting in the story Date of Creation~ January - April2022 Size:150 x 170 cm

Chronological order of painting, number 10 January 2022 marked officially my fourth year in FLOW; at this point, I was struggling to keep going. Physically, I was exhausted, and everything seemed too heavy to carry on. However, my mind, contrary to these physical feelings, was far from over. I knew at that point that my first two paintings prior to ENVOI needed to be cut off, replaced, or in the worst case, repainted. My skills and story were insufficient; they felt too unlike the self I had formed over the years, like a different person. In understanding this, I knew that those gaps in the story needed to be replaced. Equally, I knew I only had the energy to create two more paintings, and one of them was already decided to be THE MIND. The thought of spending another year on stream and in this studio made me sick to my stomach, anxiety-inducing. I knew a burnout was coming; I just needed to make sure I was done when it arrives.


Methodically, my week off rolled by. Interestingly enough, that's a period in my life that I don't quite remember much, and to this day, I don't quite remember why. I am under the impression that my mind back then was trying to endure by naturally numbing itself, in retaining the energy to venture forth in finishing this theme. My life was uneventful at best, simply prioritizing reserving my energy for the conclusion and the last inclination of social energy that I was hanging onto. Accompanied by this burning flame that wouldn't douse after PRELUDE No.2 events, the desire to not let this be another unfinished project kept it burning lushly. For I knew, the incompetence that I carried in completing anything in my life; always prioritizing something, but never myself, giving up on my art at a flip of a switch, always for others but at the expense of myself. After everything I endured, was put through, and experienced, the thought of throwing that away; the attention, growth, and knowledge, simply for a burnout, felt like the greatest injustice of all. All those people who believed in me, the ones that shared perspectives with me, made profound changes in me, gave me their time, their words, and encouragement, needed to mean something. I needed to proceed, even if it meant that by its conclusion, I'd be reduced to nothing but ashes; painstakingly being burned at each interval of those scourging flames. I knew that if I set myself up with three or two more paintings, I would be able to conclude this story. I could extend my work time, taking more frequent breaks and working slower, talking less, and simply focusing everything on finishing, while naturally I would increase my hours for progression.


Originally, in the story of FLOW, the conclusion was quite different. Through SOLIPSISM, I had a pretty solid idea of what the ending would be. The last painting was ambitious, to say the least, which, in fact, I think I only talked about with a few people in my life back then. The concept was quite simple, but the execution demanded an ample amount of time and precision, which I was simply running low on. I want you to imagine, through my words, the composition and its visuals as I describe it, allowing your mind to indelibly paint it for you. Firstly, the scale; Imagine three large rectangular canvases each sized 150 x 170 cm, all in portrait orientation while maintaining a space of another 1/4 the size of one canvas to fit in between the three, thus spacing them apart. On top of those three lined canvases, imagine one extra portrait-oriented canvas to be placed on the left and right side of the composition, leaving the middle column to have two same-sized canvases added, making the middle the tallest of the three lines. This shape and composition would illustrate three massive rock pylons, one pylon for each line of canvases, with the middle being the tallest pylon. All the while, they are raised from a sea of waves. As tall as life is long, these three rock pylons would stood high. On each of their first panel, we would see the waves crashing and interacting with the base of each rock pylon. As the canvases stacked above it would illustrate the height of each pylon, we will begin to decipher the sky on each of its canvases. The higher we go, the more we would be parting from the familiar visual of that of the waves. In the middle panel, we will see the protagonist attempting to climb, attempting the first ascent to this daunting task in a wish of escaping the waves (the loop). On the top canvases of the left and right column of canvases, we would see the tops of the pylons that house bird-like nests, full of skeletal bones of human remains, in different shapes and sizes for each side, with distinct minute details. On the middle panel, on its second canvas stacked from its base, we will see the protagonist's climbing attempts further, now away from the waves. With her gain of altitude, we decipher details of the sky; clouds peculiarly resembling the shape of the waves, all familiar but not identical. Until we reach the canvas on top of it, the tallest of the three lines of panels, where we see the protagonist in a fetal position (much like that of PRELUDE No2 design) inside a bird-made nest; behind stands a vulture, staring and patiently awaiting, while surrounded by a flock of different kinds of birds. (A quick sketch to illustrate the composition is shown below)



In this alternate conclusion, we saw the decision of the protagonist. Wishing to stop the endless loop of society, they decided to escape by climbing, only to stagnate themselves for another inevitable death and malice to befall them. This was evident by the skeletal remains found on the two remaining pylons; others attempted this, resulting in leaving themselves stranded in their untimely death. In the wish of running from those intimidating waves, they left themselves without a choice in facing yet another issue ""Was it worth it?"" One cannot observe this detail when looked at from below; the thought of change fuels escapism to begin one's climb, and only when turning back becomes unthinkable, one may notice the fate of those kindred individuals.



In addition to this, a visual connotation would've been implemented on the clouds surrounding the ascent towards the sky. The clouds would faintly resemble the stylistic representation of the waves that can be found below, with the intention to imply that even if we are not in society's domain, our mind and perception summons them as if they are. An inescapable cycle persists, yielding no reprieve from such endeavor, nor comforts in our newly formed decision; a perplexing state of disarray thoughts, guiding towards the hope of solace. In it lays a biblical tone that I wished to achieve with this composition - the crucifixion of Christ, a story that haunted me since childhood. The version that I was told consisted of two other crucifixions happening at the same time: two low-life thieves that repented at the last moment for their sins, in the company of Christ; this manifestation of selflessness. An image was so vividly painted in my pre-adolescent mind, and one that I found fitting as an undertone of this conclusion. (As this painting never came to fruition, I depicted many of my religious symbolisms that were reinforced since childhood, on my final piece THE MIND).

While this could very possibly be the continuation and finalization after The Long Walk of The Creator, as I intended it from the beginning, it was made apparent toward the midpoint of this piece that I simply lack the energetic capabilities to execute this quite specific ending. Evidently favoring a more open-ended finale, it concluded on the significance of the potential of choices versus the choice itself. A choice that any individual has to make after awakening to the truths of society; loop, join, escape, or whatever one's solution maybe.

Thus, in mid-January, the painting stages proceeded at a slower pace than what I am used to; a mixture of feelings was swapping places, dictating my attitude towards my surroundings. Sometimes I was reserved, and other times receptive to amiable people who brought it out of me. Prior to February, I only cared about my progress, along with my renewed mindset of the finite time I had with this theme and lifestyle. Emphasizing how paramount it was to be present every day, enjoying every moment I was given with the community. I vividly remember having people in different time zones, and given my new lengthened work schedule, my day would start with night shifters from one time zone until morning shifters from another time zone would join. It was all quite fascinating to me; regardless of my unchanging environment in my studio, I was given the opportunity to travel with them. Through their words, routines, and actions, I tagged along in experiencing their daily life. I tried to really ground myself in that perspective as I knew that it would soon be gone, and before I knew it, it ceased.

On the 24th of February 2022, the day began just like any other. During my early morning stream, I focused on slowly painting the middle-left rock in the composition. I was baffled on how to merge the texture of the rock with the face blend together, aiming for a rock formation that took the shape of a face rather than a face appearing on a rock. Try as I might, I was at it for hours. It was around the halfway mark of my stream when, amidst the giddy conversations I was having online, a message in the chat caught my attention: "...they invaded, they actually did it!..." Confused as I was, obliviously out of the loop to what was being expressed here, I asked for clarification, to which they replied, "Check the news." I left my brush, wiped my paint-stained hands, which I did poorly, leaving spots of paint stains apparent on my thumbs, evidently my choice of a blending tool. I took my phone and proceeded to write "news" into the Google search bar. I was greeted with dozens, if not more, headlines declaring "RUSSIA INVADED UKRAINE," all conveying the same alarming news in various ways.

Experiencing a sudden chill, my mood plummeted. Despite being far away in a different country and not directly affected by the war, my thoughts immediately turned to our close friends from the community. These Ukrainians residing in Kiev, who were dear to many of us, were now right in the midst of the turmoil. Even now, I cannot recall my initial reaction upon learning this. Amid a jumble of thoughts and shattered ideas, my sole concern was to stay updated and informed about their safety. My usual passions for painting and streaming took a backseat, as my personal worries seemed trivial compared to the gravity of the situation. Subsequently, it became incredibly challenging to face the camera, to feign normalcy, to smile, or even to paint. I struggled to carry on, feeling devoid of life. Many community events and activities that once united us came to a halt, and I withdrew, losing interest. This marked the end of my sheltered existence, as the world's harsh realities became impossible to ignore.

I felt so detached and powerless in my studio up in the mountains, away from all of this. I felt quite sick with myself. ""How is this fair?"" My mind would constantly wander. Here I was, sitting and painting with my insignificantly privileged self, having thoughts and contemplations about how this face wasn't accurate, or how this nose didn't look like a nose. I was deeply disturbed by the fact that friends, families, and individuals who held meaningful roles in someone's life were now facing the prospect of death. I felt pretentious even to think that, oblivious to the daily slaughters happening away from Europe, and now, because it was here, would I pretend it exists!? Vexations filled me. How can any form of killing be justified? How can we label sides as "good" or "bad," demonizing or glorifying them, when the ultimate outcome is the loss of life? My mind spiraled into a dark place from which I couldn't escape. We all entered this world in the same way, with parents and a community. A line of people who we impacted or they us, and now to simply shut that perspective off felt unbearable to me. These thoughts resurfaced within me. I grew up in a country where the seeds of animosity and discord were planted through an invasion, leading to the ongoing occupation of half the island. As a child, I was indoctrinated to harbor hatred and disdain towards a stereotyped group of individuals who had never wronged me, failing to grasp the distinction between an ideology and an individual. All my childhood educational books and notebooks had slogans and pictures of the side that was occupied, to never forget and never forgive. I was instructed to brand them as inferiors, the source of all the country's troubles. In reality, the present generation did not initiate those actions, yet each of us ensured to preserve a seed of animosity, passed down through generations like heirlooms, eventually growing into a tree of scorn. And now, I saw it happening again, and the worst part of it was that people needlessly died as people decided who is to be the victor, or the victim. A void overcame me once more, and everything became a blur. It still is a blur to this day, until time, as always, numbs you of the intensity that ignited in the beginning, normalizing even the most abnormal situations.










 

11. THE MIND


~THE MIND~ the seventh painting in the story Date of Creation~ May - September 2022 Size: 370 x 165 cm Chronological order of painting, number 10 THE MIND - our final destination in FLOW's journey, the painting that concluded a consistent effort spanning across four years of diligently painting, putting myself and art in front of a spotlight to entertain and learn. An unforgettable ending that taught me lessons that became the foundation of both my art and of myself. May 2022, a silent brooding of anger simmered inside of me, despondent to life's direction, from its events and situations that I couldn't ignore anymore, simply merged into one. A massive ball of unresolved energy, mingled with feelings and pain, ready to obliterate, dispersing fragments of energy in releasing its grasp onto me, onto my soul. Aware as I was of this painting's finale, its story was premeditated since years ago. Waiting for my acquisition of skill that lacked at the time in tackling its profound difficulty. For to imprint both its meaning and scale was not a trifling matter, the sheer impact of our mind's personalized visions of the world demands much of our awake hours to decipher. The scale needed to be impactful, larger than any of my previous attempts, striking a level of perplexity in all its forms in its presentation. My studio, not being quite the largest but making up for it by its long narrow corridor, had a series of windows on its sides that allowed light to illuminate and brighten up the space. Those windows, if covered, could house a few canvas panels by their width, effectively making it my largest painting. Thus, after meticulously measuring and further debating with myself, I finally decided on its size. A diptych painting, each panel to be 185 cm in width and 165 cm in height, connected together forming my largest painting created to date - 370 x 165 cm. A massive undertaking, but one that I didn't shy away from, for I knew this was to be my final attempt in this lifestyle; the big finale, the accumulation of all past promises, of the painstakingly countless hours spent exploring and learning, failing and succeeding. In its preparation, I preemptively took a week off, which in a rather quick realization of its difficult nature, extended to two weeks. My inspirations did not require much searching, for it was obvious that they would be the stages of my life reflected in the "truths" that unveiled along the way. For if this was to be the piece that elaborated the rawness of society, the one that I sat and observed countless hours in my years, then my course was clear, I had to dig deep.

Reflecting in the depths of my memory, I vividly recall past experiences, both the traumas and the pains, leaving no stone unturned in my quest for truth. What seemed to surface the most were biblical iconographies exposed to as a child; the quintessential secret of the formation of any healthy society, founded on people's pain and suffering but shared in faith. Try as I must, avoiding involvement of my unstable feelings on the subject at hand, my disagreeableness in such truth arose frustration to conquer my mind's sanity; pain reflected onto my 24 years of age, surfaced quite unexpectedly. I simply couldn't fathom the extent of this poison that I obliviously carried within me. Painstakingly seeping into my life's mindset, riddling me full of guilt and impropriety. In getting to the root of this evil, I sat down drawing clear lines between the teachings and the voice that recited the teachings. For a story is but a harmless story, and its illustrations that birth their symbols, to be simply that. But in the mortality of humans and their need for power and dominance over each other, do we see stories transforming into reality, opinions skewed to be facts and unclimbable pyramids to be built; raising the standards of living in dichotomies of proper and improper, elitists, that birth notions of civility upheld by their definition of morality.


Further studies were made on religious iconographies, pieces produced by old master painters in service to the church. In doing so, new and improved discoveries were made, falsehoods were to be discarded, and in turn, an unquenchable feeling of finding my truth was to be sought. Tunnel visioning into  Leonardo da Vinci's mindset, intensely reading and researching his work reflected in his life, and his intent. Reflecting and questioning his diverse perspectives and hidden messages that lay behind in his artworks, I had an epiphany. Inspired, infatuated, and full of awe by all this knowledge that I gather; along with what was bestowed to me from the people who walked this journey with me, I was ready to create.


With each step forward, a conditioning was fragmented, my academic art education was slowly being eradicated from my mind. I began anew, re-learning everything, unfazed now by the passage of time, renewed focus was taken in proceeding on this path. To each lesson learned, became the aid in my neuroplasticity to slowly shape me as an artist. It was paramount to its success for everything to be utterly forgotten, leaving room for myself in taking those decisions that I never got the chance before. A memorable beginning in those few days, I can wholeheartedly say that it was my actual beginning, my awakening of being able to be called an artist. Allowed for full faith to be given onto myself, even in my shortcomings was I to take accountability, in the spirit of learning. This painting truly taught me the need of art, its power and potential; in my mind this was my first ever real painting, not only because of its story but it was unapologetically me.




In a week's time, I was knee-deep in work; collaging together references of faces, hands, and details, all to bring this composition to life. An exhilarating amount of depth and detail sparked inexplicable joy in me, along with eagerness to reveal to the community my real identity as an artist. (Prior to that stage in my life, I couldn't consider myself an artist. That word felt too much of an honor for someone like me, and people would readily define themselves as such, which I simply couldn't do. I didn't feel worthy enough, but when I reached that stage, I felt that I had earned it). Before this painting, standard practice had me share with the community the compositional drawing before its reveal on the canvas, but for my final painting, I decided to abstain from that ritual. Everyone was clueless about the direction and visual of what was about to be experienced, emphasizing being present and following this journey of discovery on what was to come next, rather than simply filling in the blanks.

With its increased scale and raised difficulty, I had to increase my work hours if such an undertaking were to conclude before the year changed. Thus, proceeding into a transformed schedule once again; I had to wake up at 5 am every morning, witness the sunrise, and before 6, I had to be live on Twitch, working on the painting until 18:00, where before ending my day, I had to witness the sunset. Prior to agreeing to this change of schedule, I was researching the importance of witnessing the sunrise and sunset. In summary of what I read; with the increase in light pollution that one is exposed to in our modern living, our body requires its natural cues if it is to acclimate to the time of day. Reconstructive sleep can only be achieved by REM sleep, which by following such a practice, can increase the chances of it. As we look into the sunrise, our body's natural reaction to it is to "wake up", commencing the start of our day, and when we observe the sunset, our body understands it to be our sleep time. As for what ratio of people get a significant increase to this notion or not, I cannot say, nor will I even attempt, but it felt to be a parallel practice to what I was to achieve, given the pressure I was exerting on my body. Allowing for maximum chances of my body to restore itself, recalibrating its state and ceasing the overcompensation that I was deliberately inflicting, evidently throwing it off balance. Consequently, as each month passed, I was making progress, acquiring new perspectives, which appear to unfold in a continuous sequence as I journeyed forth in my discovery of self-healing. At my side on Twitch remained but a few friends. Daily, we would start our work together, and when the afternoon came, we would conclude the day together. It became my small slice of joy that kept me on course. I knew we were approaching the end; naturally, any filter that I may have had in the past slowly faded away. I started calling out negative behaviors that once would be left unquestioned. Any signs of toxic positivity I'd vocally be against, and ingenuine interests that favor an empty state to relate were discouraged. Everything evolved into becoming unfiltered and upfront. I started forgetting about chat for hours, allowing my thoughts to have a space to breathe, uninterrupted by noise.


A longing for consternation overtook many of my past patterns, creating a disinterest in unstimulating conversations. Some days would be spent without live streaming, simply painting by myself on the same schedule away from cameras nor any form of interactions. Seemingly all too new for me, this feeling of solitude but one that just felt right; it seemed I reached a stage where praise from strangers was of no use to me. No longer in need of company in keeping me accountable to maintain my diligence to work. A pure revelation, an experience that I haven't felt for the past 4 years let alone before that. But in it, I knew that soon, that would be my reality, for the joy and admiration that once people reinforced within me, was at an end. Grateful as I was to their efforts, I made sure in the best of my abilities to show and express it to the people who instigated such change; by simply proceeding forward without falter. Equally on the other hand, for the people who simply were interested in the entertainment side of things, I faded off from. Slowly was I sinking this "ship" built from the accumulative efforts of everyone. By being honest about my feelings and letting go of the fear of disapproval, I reached a point where external comments no longer influenced my self-worth. This newfound freedom allowed me to step back from social media, approaching it only when art needed to be shown; artistic presence online shouldn't be the measure of how much work one does, challenging this flawed notion perpetuated by social media as implied to artists.

If only I could sit here and describe in painstaking detail all those thoughts and ideas that rushed in me in those months, I would be able to paint a vivid picture of the emotional journey I undertook. Every brushstroke behind each figure, detail, and word candidly spoken, represented a piece of my soul laid bare on the canvas, inspiring perspectives that brought about profound change and equal joy. It was a transformative experience, where all the significant moments of my life, up to that point, seemed to converge within that composition. Each day felt like an opportunity to offload the emotional weights I had carried within me for so long. The painful remarks beautifully arranged themselves in a way that elaborated on the words my mind struggled to comprehend. What I sought to paint was not just a physical image, but a reflection of my inner self, exposing the emptiness that once lurked beneath the surface, now revealed for all to see. This artistic process became a cathartic journey of self-discovery and healing, as I navigated through the depths of my emotions and embraced the vulnerability of my own truth.

A memory that I wish to conclude this with is one towards the last few days of the painting; in my delirious joy of such an undertaking being close to its fruition, members of the community and I were simply talking and fooling around. When the same friend, who in Vanity's Ballade No.3, introduced me to that profound storytelling in classical music, expressed to me how this painting reminded him of  Verdie's Requiem - a resemblance we talked about in depth prior to that moment, given this painting's natural inclinations of symbols and origin. I obliged him with a suggestion of a live listening while painting the finishing touches. It is one of those rare moments where words fail in comparison to the experience, and given this VOD still lingers around online to this day, I would highly recommend considering a viewing while looking at the live chat for the interesting discoveries behind this piece. Truly, the most remarkable 5 months experienced in the journey of FLOW, riddled with the rediscovery of my own voice, that on such a foundation did my confidence begin its construction, that dictated the direction I've taken my life to right now.










 


~ PART II ~


1.

~THE EXHIBITION~



With the conclusion of the last piece in FLOW, I was set to do an exhibition; funded with the help of selling prints bundled with original drawings, I was ready for the final step, to exhibit. Disheartened by galleries and their practices of the use of the artist, I set out to rent my own space, tailoring it to the needs of this theme. Try as I might, I was met with failure, encountering greediness from places that only sought in taking advantage of me. My proposal was quite simple; for two days of renting, all I needed was an empty venue space. Emphasizing that everything will be done at my own expense, with no help from the venue, I was to produce the scenes and transport. Reiterating that I simply needed the space, and nothing more. I was presented with ridiculous offers, the most surprising one being €2000 for 24 hours, which, in my possession, had only reached €800 from my recent print/drawing sale on Twitch. Even if I did have such money, I would refuse to be blatantly exploited and taken advantage of in such a way. Furious and confused by these responses, I decided to change course and do what I am accustomed to doing: pave my own path.


Upsetting as how the exhibition idea fell through, stubbornness overcame me and I eagerly went forth in finding a solution. My recent change in interest led me to focus on producing a film in an exhibition/documentary style. I aimed to present the paintings alongside a comprehensive narration, showcasing them in different distinctive settings, while weaving a story that mirrored the theme of FLOW to create a parallel narrative. A splendid idea, that, at the time, with the significant efforts of a member of the community, helped immensely in capturing its footage. Flying over with his equipment and desire to film with me, we spent a few weeks in November working on this daily. It was an interesting experience that won't be forgotten; running around from location to location with massive paintings securely fastened, trailing along in a van. By the end of it, a beautiful amount of footage was produced, all that was left was to edit. It was my desire at the time for the narration parts of the documentary to be done by multiple viewers' voices. Partly for the diversity that I was looking for and equally on how without them, this journey would have been long deserted, equally reflected the note in which the theme was touching upon; everyone's experience of taking the journey of finding themselves. The thought of having solely my voice was quite disagreeable to me, contradicting all the experiences that I had up until that point. In the process of procuring the voice-overs from the individuals, I was met with excitement and an incline of willingness, which ultimately made me quite happy to have such a response. Suffice to say, as unpredictable as life's events are, obligations gatekept most of them away from delivering into this project, I didn't really pressure nor demanded a time frame from them. I was grateful to even have them consider and spare any time of their life in contributing to this, It was their kindness to help, and if that didn't pan out, I had no right to say anything other than thank you. Faced with a lot of unused footage and time passing, I kept holding onto the paintings rather attempting to sell, six months passed without any efforts on my behalf to promote or sell anything. It was my idea to reserve them, and to bundle their sales with the release of this documentary, but life didn't make it possible. I was growing dissociative with every day that passed, my self wanted to leave this behind and these setbacks only solidified my wished to move on. My burnout finally caught up to me, engulfed me, embraced me, and laid me in my own ashes. Still to this day, I don't know what I wish to do with the footage, even capable as I am to just form something myself with those clips and with help, if asked for. I felt the window into that, at this stage in my life passed; I wanted to move on, to start healing, and going back didn't feel right for me. (Equally, if one day I felt incline to use them in some way, I will without hesitation, but for now, they will remain dormant until that moment gracefully comes). As March came around, I changed my course of action once more, I settled in doing an audio visual catalogue, a unique take of a catalogue in bringing as much as possible the experience onto the sale itself; my first attempt in selling. Progress took a month, countless revisions and feedback, helped by a diverse group of people that gave me pointers and much helpful advices and proof readings, and re-writes. Thus, in April FLOW's Purchasing Catalogue was live. With the sale of a few painting, it funded my escape, my desire to venture forth into the world and begin my next journey, to allow myself space and time to evolve, grow into something that I would be comfortable being.


 




2. ~EPILOGUE~


Upon my conclusion on the final painting's memories and that of this journey, I am moved to tears. Four years of my life forever embellished, captured, and immortalized not just in these 10 paintings but also in the collective memories of the people who took this journey with me. From all the people who shared this with me, with us, now carry a part of this journey with them. A truly incredible journey, my coming of age both as an artist and as a human, all entirely possible by everyone who has been part of this and of that of my life. In fear of spending days on a thank you note, I equivalently have nothing more eloquent to say than thank you. Thank you, to every single person who appeared and contributed in my life in some shape or form. You empowered me to be independent and trust my own instincts, to show me diversity both in your perspectives, but in your ways of living and to fuel my voice into this world, awaken it in all its strength and braveness, for that I am eternally grateful. No amount of money, attention, or social advancement could have had the same impact. Instead, they would have kept me trapped, delirious on what and who I am to be. And thus, this unorthodox method of promoting the remaining paintings of FLOW and its narrative comes to a close. Primarily serving as me seeking closure, and a blatant example how terrible marketing schemes I posses in favoring profit; I wanted to instill how behind every artwork lays memories and direct influences that simply make art priceless. Emphasizing the humanness of the need to feel and express, elaborated through consecutive months of work, that most seemingly spend on seconds to witness. Question it, sit with it, for it may give hints to what you may be undertaking now, art is everything BUT two dimensional. For those who have still yet to take the journey in to the FLOW's Purchasing Catalogue, I strongly implore you in doing so, equally do I recommend a revisit to anyone that might have taken this experience last year. Layering your now renewed perspectives of the backstory and of that of my life behind it. As this was also done for advertising purposes to sell as many paintings as I can, consider spreading the word, sharing the blog and the catalogue to your friends, family, or whoever might appreciate this story and the paintings all together. What's next!? As of November of 2023 after my traveling, I began a new theme, titled "The Stonemason". (click on the theme name to access its webpage for more details)

A unique approach is taken in this new storyline, which is both written and illustrated in an interactive manner that reveals the intricate layers of the narrative through detailed objects within the compositions. Hand-drawn illustrations are used to complement the text, depicting the described elements. The story's focus is on an elderly stonemason living in a tower on a hill, isolated and without any external connections for most of his life. Now, being able to be in his tower, we begin exploring his statues and surroundings, gaining insight into his life, mind, and delving into themes like isolation, regret, love, loss, and the consequences of war. This intricate narrative is skillfully crafted, drawing from my travels, history, and inspirations from different locations to immerse and enthrall the audience, all seemingly placed in a book format. In contrast to my previous theme centered on social interactions, this theme reflects my introverted nature and preference for solitude at its essence. Weekly, I upload audio logs on YouTube, elaborating on its progress and direction on how the story is unfolding. Divided into three arcs, the first arc is due to release on the 25th of December 2024, provided no further setbacks occur. During its development, I realized the importance of re-promoting FLOW'S paintings, which I had neglected for a year. Therefore, I dedicated the last two weeks to that task before shifting my full attention back to this new theme.


 

~COVER ARTWORK~





 


65 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Comments

bottom of page