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Past tense apology


I have bathed in misery of my faults and actions. 

How could I hurt you so in my mind's dissatisfactions.
Can I ever mend such pain of disdain?

In the words that once so eloquently sang,
now interpreted as the cutlist of your grieving heart.


And in these very words do I pray, 
To never hurt or seek another 'prey'
I have changed as life has too,
In my life change was ought to.

Years come, years past,
In my mind I have pondered this at last;
how finit were the shallow shores of my heart,
to throw everyone and anything off to shore as everyone watched.
Waves would come, waves would form, 
but I couldn't take them no more.

I spend years forming and creating them,

for only at the end to understand how much they've eaten me.
For once I seeked comfort and sanctuary in their emerald blues,
but no longer do I feel such emotions from those hues.

Distancing and abandoning a person I once loved,
for the chance of life and autonomy to last.
My silence has come to a halt,
for no longer do I find in these very words fault.

Sincerity is as sincere as it makes sense;
for one like me to use it in such past tense.
Years are coming, years will go,
in this very moment I just don't know.
Belittled and deflated I now feel,
by my mind's arrogance and emptiness acting as my structural steel.

In every manic episode that may come,
I hope this sincerity of mine can last.
Lacking and searching for normality to come;
imitating those warm and glistening rays of the sun.

For a day anew now shines,
to act as the water to those withering vines
.
Connecting us all with our malleable nature,

beckoning the question of how long will it last, do I wager.

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IN DEPTH ANALYSIS

The drawings reflected the perplex feelings and state of opening those many doors, the sheer unknowns that cripples and hinders one from living in the present.

As
reflected in the first design, we observe a figure, deflated and defeated from the weight that his tangled hair was causing. A massive spiral of hair riddled with unknown patterns and symbols that reflected the state of neglectance of dealing with those thoughts. Every thought would keep on piling on each other, adding inch by inch to this long and tangled hair.  As of any puzzle in life so did these thoughts reflected the unknown by its illegible patterns and symbols; much like ancient hieroglyphs awaiting to be studied. To the many eyes that sprouted in the process of piling these thoughts, gazing endlessly at us, reminding us of their existence and our shortcomings. In the desperation the protagonist cuts this long line of tangled hair/thoughts and opens the "pandora's box".

Thus the second design comes to play, the unraveling of these thoughts; taking shape, form and life like never before. A sheer overwhelming site follows, that belittles the protagonist's figure and presence, completely overshadowing and overwhelming our fragile nature. In a slow process of consuming and stripping us of our humanity, peeling our self strip by strip, in an unrecognizable vessel stack in its murky waters of uncertainty. In a liminal state of being, unable to live in the present and constantly being surrounded by the frightening past. Our sight is our first sense to go, as without seeing mayhap we can be absolved of our very own actions. Leaving us oblivious of our neglected past and a complete sercumming of our past thoughts whispers of deciphering our current reality.

 

The past always followed me in my thoughts. As much as I wanted to move forward, the past held on to me, tugging and pulling on my conscious to pay attention and focus on it. A moment of deep reflection would follow, opening myself to my many shortcomings and pain that were inflicted, witnessing every single door that was sealed shut by a past version of mine. 

Thus, almost two years later, I have opened and peaked into those doors, creating and illustrating my "Past tense apology"

A poem of forgiveness, both to myself and to the people I caused turmoil through my actions. Reflecting the years of 'FLOW' to the relationships and many broken promises that followed. A deeply personal and emotional part of my life, illustrated by a marriage between arts, poetry, music and drawing illustrations. For in a singular artistic format couldn't depict the layering effect that truly laid underneath those sealed doors. Each complimenting and contributing to the deciphering of those glimpses of the past, providing the pieces that the other art-form lacked in bridging the desired words.; a harmonic marriage of pain and distress.

Each verse feeling like a dagger, either being pulled off or
acknowledged its firmed pierced slot in me. Words, memories, feelings, all lingering and tantalizing my very soul, from past to present; forming in smudges and shades that underlined the guilt that exemplifies my inability to stop meddling in the past.


 

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The Drawings
 

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BUNDLE

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*Every order comes with an additional poem page and a cover page.
 

Bundle I (LIMITED)

Includes:
The original sketches of 'Past tense apology' - alongside with its printed variations
A unique (blacked) variation of the two designs.

 

I

Drawing of second design
Drawing of first design

&

Unique variation
Unique variation
Cover page
Poetry page

EUR 280 224 
*only one is available for sale
*delivery included in price
 

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